Numb

It has been one of the most emotional 2 weeks.
The ups and down.
The highs and lows.
The happiness and sadness.
The laughter and the tears.

I feel emotionally numb.

Another one of my aunts has been diagnosed with cancer.
It is sad. But what else can I do but to let the tears fall.
There is nothing I can do for her except to pray for the best.

It was a kind of de ja vu.
6 years ago, when I was at college, dad told me that my Big (Eldest) Aunt was diagnosed with cancer. I loved her to bits but I didn’t feel sad or cry when I was told of the bad news. I told dad that somehow it felt normal to get cancer, both my grandmas got cancer, and I told dad that one day I will die of cancer too. It is inevitable. Dad said I shouldn’t think this way and I retorted by saying ‘That’s how it is. There is nothing we can do about it.’ He was silent.
Perhaps another reason I didn’t cry was because I wanted to believe that she will be cured.

I couldn’t stop my tears when I visited Big Aunt a week before she died. The bubbly aunt that I knew was frail and in pain. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do for her. There was so much I wanted to say to her but words fail to come out of my mouth. All I did was to hold her tiny hands and let the tears flow. Even when in pain, she gathered the little strength she had to ask me how I was doing at college. I always felt bad for missing her funeral because I was at college. A few months later I had a dream, I was walking along a road and I saw Big Aunt and her husband waving at me. They smiled at me. It is one of those dream where you wake up feeling that the dream could have been real.

Medicine is nothing but guesswork. But it gives us hope.
The hope of survival. The hope for a miracle.

The suffering that comes with cancer treatment is devastating.
To suffer and fight for a chance of survival or..
Not to suffer and just let things take its course.

We all want to spend a few more years with our loved ones.
What is life without hope and faith?

Death is a matter of time. It is the Pain that hurts.
The pain of fighting to survive.
The pain of losing a loved one.
The pain of leaving our loved ones.
The pain of watching our love ones in pain.

Life hurts.
Love hurts.

All we can do is to live everyday like it is our last.
Love with all our hearts even when it hurts.