Table For One

I have never ever eaten outside on my own.
It just feels really scary to walk into a restaurant on your own.
It take a lot of courage for a girl to eat on her own outside.
Seems much easier for guys.
And people will always assume that girls who eat alone are single.
Which is totally presumptious but probably true.

I walked into the hotel restaurant. There was this guy behind me. We were both waiting to be seated. And the waiter came and immediately asked the guy behind for 'our' room number. He just assumed that I was with that guy!!! What the hell!! The guy was really really old.

It was actually quite nice to eat on my own. Didn't need to make conversations with people who are so in love with themselves. People who are not interested or who pretend to be interested. Its so exhausting.

The meal was average but I ate too much cause it was a buffet and being greedy I felt I had to try everything for the money's worth. Even though I didn't have to pay for it.

The other good/bad thing about eating on your own is that you can eat like a pig. Now I feel really sick cause I had a big plate of salad, a bowl of soup, a plate of everything that has no meat, a piece of tiramisu and a huge bowl of fruits. I will never ever be bikini worthy for the trip to the beach this summer.

As I tuck in, I realised that almost everyone in the restaurant are on their own. Mostly men. In fact almost all were men except for a few yummy mummies with kids and their husbands. Most of the men eating on their own are probably on a business trip. Makes me wonder where all the women?

I actually enjoyed the dinner. Having no company at all is better than having bad company.

I thought of my dad during the meal. Got me a bit emo. I could actually hear him say 'Eat more eat more.' My dad loves buffet. And I remember he used to bring the family for buffets and he always complain that I am a waste of money because I eat too little. I wish he was there with me even though I know he probably wouldn't enjoy western food very much. I miss him so much.

I guess eating on your own is not that scary after all. But I doubt I will do it unless I have to. Eating out is something to do with loved ones. Not on your own.

Thats why we need friends and family.

To eat, drink and be merry.

Undercurrent

Have been working in North London.

London feels so alive and vibrant. I love that feeling.

But most people who work in London will tell you how stressful it is here.
How awfully cramped, polluted, how aggressive people are and the list goes on...

I am seriously considering moving to work in London for the 'experience'. Maybe when I finish my exams.

But... beneath every vibrant fast moving city there will be an undercurrent of loneliness and emptiness.' (quote from Annabel Chong - not exact words but something along those lines.)

I guess we can't have everything. Can we?

My heartfelt thanks to the John and Eva for lunch on Saturday.

Was going to wander around London but the weather was too depressing to hang around.

So I headed down south to Egham.

The lovely Egham with its pretty little country houses and the many expensive cars zooming around the country roads. The life here feels so carefree and leisurely.

More importantly I love the company, good home-cooked food, learning to play Nodame Cantabile on the piano, 24 hours internet (can't believe I have been surviving without Internet at home for almost a year!)...

The feeling of being at home.

Aaah... feel the love.

Special thanks to Ferny and Geongsen for being wonderful as always.

Thats all folks!! Till next time...

Big Breast

I can’t help noticing or worse staring at a guy’s breast if it is huge.

I find it a bit disturbing.

Guys should not have breast larger than that of any women really.

It is just wrong.

Guys who have big breast are normally those who don’t care about their body image.
Those guys probably drink too much beer or eat too much fish and chips.
Perhaps what I hate most when I see those breasts is that these guys don’t give a damn about their health in terms of the food they eat or their health.

Of course there must be some guys who are just blessed with big breast since birth.

But I hope if you are a male you will take more care to eat well and don’t let those breast balloon into one of a women’s.

Ok now I feel horrible for being a bit mean to guys who are larger than life.

I am a horrible bitch.

Even worse I feel no sense of guilt for having said what I said.

It is all with good intentions.

Take care of those breast guys..

Advert

Mama Daffy is doing a crazy stunt.

Not in the kitchen this time.

She who has been a wonderful mudder and friend to so many of us has gone absolutely crazy!

She is going to shave her hair!

Just those on the head I think...

A picture of Daffy before she turns into a sexy baldie..

Its all for a good cause.

Do do pledge your support for the Amazing Daphne Yuan here.

Humble Pie

Some of you may already know that I am quite a big fan of Gordon Ramsay the chef who swears and chops at the same speed.

I have wanted to read his autobiography – Humble Pie for a while now after I first saw it at Borders during Christmas time last year. So I thought I will wait for the price to drop. It is a fucking £18!!! Even though I am a big fan, I am not willing to spend that ridiculous amount of money.

I was very excited when I found the book at the library. After all the wait I get to read the book for free.

Before I read the book, I admired Gordon Ramsay for his passion and love for food, his family and more importantly the things that he believed in. Beneath all the macho arrogance he displays is this deep sense of righteousness and honesty in him. He cares a lot or perhaps he cares too much. Plus I think he is a very sexy chef.

After reading his autobiography, I admire him even more. He had a difficult childhood. Dad was a bit of a psycho and brother was a druggie. He didn’t have an easy life. He is where he is today because of sheer hard-work, determination and passion. Despite all the crap he has got from his critics, he has always held his head up high with a clear conscience and a passion for what he truly believes in. He is a man who constantly challenges himself to climb higher. Such ambition is overwhelming. And another thing I love about him is despite all his success he is very down to earth man.

I hate it when men (ok a little bit sexist here) are not ambitious. It is awful for me to say what I just said because I am not ambitious myself. Men have to be ambitious. Full Stop.

Perhaps I might change my mind one day.

But someone once told me that I am more ambitious than I know I am.
I do want to do something extraordinary with my life even though I don’t really want to climb the corporate ladder. I just don’t feel I belong to the corporate world somehow. I don’t feel comfortable of all the pretence. Most people are fake. It is disgusting and exhausting, How do people do it?

But I am already in it. It is quite scary actually. It is like a being in a quick sand. It sucks you in deep and once you are in it, it takes a lot of courage to get out of it. Many would be annoyed at me for not being ambitious when I have been blessed with the opportunity. I am actually doing pretty well climbing the ladder but I don’t really know if I truly want to climb up there.

But it is scary to climb down as well even though the climb has just begun.

But for now, I have to climb up because I have no courage to climb down and start all over again.

Maybe one day I will...

Nodame

This Japanese drama is highly entertaining.
Makes me wish I had some talent. Any talent really…

When I was a little girl I used to watch my cousins’ play the piano and I was amazed.
So I begged my parents to let me take up lessons.

My dad said I wouldn’t last. He knows me too well.
He didn’t buy me a piano until he was convinced that I was serious about it.

I practised very hard at my auntie’s house because I want to convince my dad.
More cause I wanted the piano. It was like this big expensive toy.

I enjoyed playing the piano but of course I knew I had no talent.
I gave up at Grade 7. I just gave up. The stress of doing the exams felt so heavy.
I lost the feeling of enjoyment that it once gave me.
Practising for the exams felt like a chore. I hated it.
And it was expensive. I felt I had to pass it otherwise my folk’s hard earned money would go to waste.
Maybe cause I didn’t have a good sensei. She is nice but not inspiring or brilliant. She was just ordinary. But I love her to bits after being her student since I was 8.
I wanted to changed teacher but or course I was never ever brave enough to do that.

Sometimes I wonder if talent is something within us or is it just the environment that we are in?

If we were taught from young something. Naturally we will develop an ability.
If we had someone inspiring as sensei. Naturally we will build up a passion too.

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had a better sensei?

Perhaps it wasn’t about talent.
Perhaps it was just because I was a quitter.

I didn’t try hard enough.

Annabel Chong

I watched a documentary about Annabel Chong, the Singaporean who is infamous for being the first to do a gang bang with 251 men in 10 hours.

She is definitely screwed.
I can’t imagine anyone living a normal life after ALL that.

She said she did it because she enjoys sex and wants to explore sexuality.
But yet somehow by doing it she has shown how little sex is valued these days.
Sex is just sex. A recreation that you can do with any Tom, Dick or Harry.

She said she didn’t do it for the money or fame.
I want to believe her with this but seriously…

There is a kind of emptiness in her.
Feels to me that she did it for the attention. Not to prove anything really.

Seems like only a very confident woman can do a stunt like that.
But the truth is Annabel is a very vulnerable.
She is like a glass that has cracked internally and hurting inside.

Despite ‘coming’ so many times during the stunt, I feel sorry for her….

But at the same time I admired her for her courage to live life her own way against all odds and norms.

To be able to stand with her head up for what she believes in.

How many of us can do that really?

Fish Bones

Mum reminded me again that its mother’s day last weekend.

Ok I forgot again.

But at least I remembered to send her a card a few weeks ago when it was UK’s Mother’s Day. It is so confusing. We should have a global Mother’s Day.

I read my Uncle’s post about my ‘ahmah’, (my nan) at the office and I had to wipe away a tear. Thankfully everyone is too busy to notice. I think I have read that story a long time ago. It got me emo then and now when I read it again I still got emo.

My relationship with my ‘ahmah’ was a difficult one. I was clumsy, cheeky and spoilt while my little brother was just the very opposite. As a kid I was often jealous that my ‘ahmah’ was always picking on me (for all the obvious reasons) and not my goody goody brother. I hated it so much when she nagged me to take my bath, to do my bed, to not talk when I eat, (because I will eat ‘air’ which is bad), to not rest my legs on the table, and the list goes on. My brother does everything ‘ahmah’ asks him too. He was the angel and me the little monster.

'Ahmah' and I seem to have a personality clash. We argued a lot on stupid little things. I did things the way she would disapprove just to annoy her. I remember once I had a huge row with her. I was really rude to her. After the row, I had diner and I choked on a fish bone and was rushed to the hospital. Karma perhaps.

Since the incident, I had a bit of a phobia of eating fish. The fishes in Malaysia are little baby ones with lots of bones unlike the big fishes here. Grandma would always take the bones away for me.

When she was diagnose with cancer, I was 13. She had to get treatment from a hospital in the city and I missed her. When she passed away not long after that, I stopped eating fish for a while because I didn’t know how to take the bones away. Grandma has always done that for me. I didn’t know how to and I didn’t want to learn.

I never told ahmah how much I love her and how much of an inspiration she has been to me. More importantly how sorry I am for being the little monster at home.

We often never cherish the things we have until we lose it.

I changed a lot after losing ahmah. I became quieter. Perhaps it was remorse for all the mean things I had said to her. I started to study harder cause she always tells me to study hard. She always tells me to study hard, so that one day I can go to university like Uncle LM whom she is very proud of.

My relationship with my mum was not an easy one either.
Probably cause we are too much alike.

But I always tell my mum that I love her.

The last time I told her I love her on the phone
She said ‘Go find a boyfriend to say that lah….’

Happy Mother’s Day mum….

Animal Sex

OK this is weird.

I saw two male ducks on my way home yesterday.

Which makes me wonder if gay animals exist?

Or are all animals bisexual?

The Protege

Was really looking forward to this film.
Hence the expectation.
Not disappointed but was expecting more.

Perhaps we should never have any expectation when we watch a film.

It is weird watching Andy Lau as the old vulnerable gangster big brother. His image in my mind has always been cool and macho. I was expecting more from my fave actress Anita Yuen. But she wasn’t given much of a role in the movie. The other actress which I can’t remember her name was absolutely brilliant.

The Protégé is a far cry from the Hong Kong version of The Departed which is one of my fave gangster movie. However, the former highlights issues that are very much different from the latter. The Protégé questions why people do drugs. Is it because of emptiness? Perhaps being empty is worse than doing drugs. Perhaps…

Films always turns out better when you expect nothing.

Also watched Curse of The Golden Flower. Expected little of it and I was surprised that I actually enjoyed it. I didn’t realise that Jay Chou was in it until the credits started rolling. And Jay Chou actually looked like my cousin, KJ from certain angles in the film. I must tell him that the next time I see him in London.
This film is a bit disturbing actually but it kind of epitomise human nature.

Love and hatred are inseparable.

Makes me wonder if perhaps heaven and hell could actually be the same place…

Charity

I remember when I was about 12 or 11, I told my mum I want to do charity work to help others.
And my mum looked at me and said ‘Charity begins at home…’

I am still not totally sure what my mum really meant. Perhaps she is trying to say if you want to help others you should help your family first. Perhaps…

As I was browsing through the papers and reading about people doing good deeds. It made me think.

Do people do good deeds just to feel good about themselves?

Or is it out of a pure heart to help others?

And all these charity work, is it just the rich men game?

Somehow I am pretty convince that people who can go off and do charity work are mostly rich people. The average people can’t afford the time and money for that when they have other things to worry about like paying off their student loans, paying taxes etc. Rich people also don’t have to worry about taking care of their folks because most probably their folks are rich too and can take care of themselves. So they become all noble and aspire to take care of others who they think are less fortunate than them.

I am sure there are many people out there who do good deeds out of a pure heart and I totally salute them for that.

But the truth remains that you are more able to help others if you are affluent.

As I was browsing through the papers and read about the rich hooking up with the rich. It made me think.

Rich people meet rich people. Rich people marry rich people. The rich become richer with more power than ever.

And then they have nothing better to do because they are too filthy rich, so they do charity work.

Out of a pure heart?

Or to make themselves look better?

Good Samaritans or just pure hypocrites?

Inspiration

I took up my pen and brush yesterday.
I sketched and painted.
It felts so good to pick up the brush again.

I have forgotten how much I love art.

I always wanted to paint but never had the inspiration.

I was watching Heroes and seeing Isaac Mendez painting the future.
Strangely that inspired me to pick up my brush again.

So I did and it sure felt good.

My dad was a very talented artist. He wanted to be one but he ended up being a teacher. He said it was the stability of being a government servant that made him gave up his dream. I always felt it was a waste. He was brilliant. I grew up loving to sketch and draw all the time. Everyone said I inherited his talents but the truth is I am never anywhere close to having his talent. When I was little I sometimes secretly dream of being a designer. But like my dad I gave up that dream and here I am a boring office worker.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I really pursued my dream. I gave up on the dream because I felt I was never going to be good enough in art. I was just average. I am not even as good as my dad. Plus doing an art course is very expensive. My parents would never be able to afford it. And getting a scholarship is out of the question because I was just average.

I admire who pursue their dreams and make them come true.

If only I had the courage to do something extraordinary and not just be that average person.

Sunday Walk

Some pics from Sunday's walk to brighten up my new blog face.

Up close and personal with the cows..

Yellow flowers,,,

Ef reflecting on All the mean things she has done...

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil...

Peace. xx